someone threw a dead crab at me
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
