how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize