Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
