I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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