I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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