hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
