Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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