"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
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