corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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