Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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