How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
