She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
