i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
