If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
