Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
