So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
