you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
