you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
They took my balls.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize