I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
ttyl tear gas
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
