You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Randomize
