i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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