I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
it's like heaven, but drunker
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
