I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize