I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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