I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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