There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
