I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
