Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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