I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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