$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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