Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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