I think I won the penis lottery.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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