quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just found a bag of teeth...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
