just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
tonight lets celebrate not being married
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize