It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
