His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize