so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Randomize
