i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
