I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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