I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
