Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
