i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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