just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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