On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
