you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
