The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
