I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
