I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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