cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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