Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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