he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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