Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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