Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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