2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize