I've blown a few things in my day
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
