Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
