Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
