woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
