I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
