I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Randomize
