I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
