Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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