DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
It was like getting head from an anaconda
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
