the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize