I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
