goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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