someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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