help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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