My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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